Courage and Compassion and Connection OH MY!


“You need Courage, Compassion and Connection ASAP,” Brené Brown said.

I had no idea what that meant four years ago when I took her online course, The Gift Of Imperfection. 

Those were just words I collaged on the cover of my scrapbook.

Much like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, when I pulled back the curtain, I saw that I needed COURAGE to be who I truly am.  But I needed compassion and connection just as much. To own my story takes courage because my story came with the great and powerful SHAME! I was so ashamed to be me, to be gay, to be bad at spelling and grammar; which meant I wasn’t “smart.” Owning that I didn't know about politics and geography and world history. That I was scared to look at my finances, and would rather avoid the reality that I was running out of money. It took courage to tell that story, because I layered it with so much shame...  

Which leads me to COMPASSION! OMG, Brené! Yes!! I NEEDED COMPASSION!!! Wow, I see that now. Hello! “Aha moment!” Big time.

If I can meet my courage with compassion, I have a fighting chance to keep the shame at bay! When I came out at 44 yrs old, blew up my world, and faced my fears and my anxieties...I was so filled with shame…I felt I didn’t do it right. I hurt people and they were mad at me and I was judged. That is where CONNECTION comes in. I did have a few “bury the body” friends who unconditionally supported me when I had the courage to come out and be my authentic, vulnerable self. And THANK GOD!! I was met with so much shame at that time, without them, I would have never survived. But, Brené warned me, “If we share our shame story with the wrong person, they can easily become one more piece of lying debris in an already dangerous storm“.  

Sadly I learned the hard way…I was always wanting to connect, but I was not particularly discerning. I was recklessly hoping if I told you my story, my truth, you would make make the shame go away. And that lead me to sharing with the wrong people. They turned a giant shame sandwich into a shit show of spiraling self-worth, and a compassion deficit that took me years to repay.

I am, to this day, four years later, still needing to meet myself with compassion. But I now see that when I have the courage to be vulnerable and connect with the right people, I am well on my way to self love. #whatnowbrené?

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Brené gave me permission...

Thank you Brené for my permission slips! The first thing Brené told me to do was to make permission slips for the things that I was avoiding or afraid of or judging myself for.

1.  I give myself permission to take risks.

2.  I give myself  permission to look stupid.

3.  I give myself  permission  to be honest.

4.  I give myself permission to commit.

5.  I give myself permission to live in the gray. 

6.  I give myself permission to be filled with complexities.

The above are the things I gave myself permission to do when I started the course in 2013.

 

Here are the things I DIDN'T REALIZE at the time that I needed to give myself permission slips for:

           1.   Recognizing I was attracted  to women.

           2.   Falling love with a woman who was married.

           3.    Going through with my bachelorette party even though I knew  I couldn't

                     go through with the wedding.        

           4.    Breaking up with my fiancé 6 weeks before the wedding.

           5.    Hurting people I love.

           6.    Coming out.

“Hold  on!…don’t judge me and cast me out. I have a PERMISSION SLIP!"

If only I could have told all those who called me selfish and reckless and hurtful that I had a permission slip. Well, it's official: I am willing to embrace the gray. Please don't hate me. #Whatnowbrené?

 

Before Brené...

My Life can be divided into two parts, before Brené Brown’s “The Gift Of Imperfection” and after.

Before December of 2013 I had never heard of Brené, or used the word vulnerability. I was a semi recovering food addict and on my way to being an alcoholic. I had two kids was divorced, my mom recently died and I was in a relationship with a man who was my night in shining armor. 

 A new friend of mine had asked me to take Brené Browns online Course with her. “What is a Brené Brown?”  I asked.

“You know the woman who went viral with the Ted Talk on Vulnerability, you seriously never heard of Brené?”

Nope, I never hear of Brené Brown, but I did know that I loved hanging with my friend. She was so funny and smart if she was offering me a chance to do something with her I was not going to pass that up. 

I signed up for Brené’s online course “The Gift of Imperfection”and life has never been the same since. #whatnowbrené?